e-book Inside My Bipolar Mind

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You take many medications 3 times a day. You are not your illness. Your illness is a part of you. Bipolar disorder, manic depression, depression, black dog, whatever you want to call it, is inherent in our society.

Trapped Souls (Inside The Minds Of The Mentally Ill)

It's a product of stress and sometimes over-work. When you are mad like that, you don't know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else's reality, it's still reality to them.

Bipolar Disorder

All of your instincts change, you lose your inhibitions and your priorities are not the same as they were when you were euthymic. Basically, your entire sense of self changes; your morals change all of a sudden you aren't a big believer in monogamy any more and believe infidelity is justified , your priorities change: Imagine the mind that has served you well all your life. You trust this mind, these instincts. So you just go along with what your instincts tell you. So it's not so much "hey I feel like 'x' so I'll react and let this emotion out" it's more like you feel however you feel and the only reasonable course of action is what your instincts tell you.

So someone who is usually disciplined and motivated won't have their usual filter at the time because they don't even realise that their behavior is inappropriate.

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Then we add psychosis to the mix. Now your usually trust-worthy mind is showing you things that aren't there, or you are delusional. I may start that idea, or maybe I jump to another one. One of the biggest struggles my bipolar has caused is a severe inability to decide on a career path. Next comes the racing thoughts. My mind starts to race and it becomes very hard to put together any serious, coherent thought. This has affected my ability to complete homework, take exams, or sit still for long.

Inside My Manic Mind

I often wonder if my racing thoughts are similar to what those with ADHD experience. If it is, I feel bad for them. I know that, at some point for me the racing thoughts will fade.

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I love to read. When I was younger my head was always buried in a book. In the fourth grade, I chose to do a book report on a Wishbone book. When I got in the car, my mom saw both the book and tape and asked about them. I told her it was for a book report. And usually my mind flits on to something else pretty quickly — what food to buy, a work idea, a track I want to download and listen to.

I worry men will discount me because I have bipolar disorder.

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To be honest, writing this diary has made me look at my average day and realise some things can and should change — making more time for mindfulness, exercise and proper food for a start. We have a mental health Facebook group off the back of our podcast Mentally Yours , so feel free to chat there or write in the comments below. This is just a day in the life of me and my bipolar mind.

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